The machinations of my idle brain...

Should I? Maybe. He didn't say not to. Then again, he didn't say he wanted me to. Oh, but I want to. Maybe I shouldn't...





Something small won't hurt, will it? Short & simple so he can ignore it or brush it off easily. How to start? Hello? Too formal. Greetings? Too cheesy. Hi? Too yuppie. So, a nice casual Hey is in order. Then a How are you? Non-discript, harmless, gives me an idea of what the waters are like. Oh, and ask him about his weekend. If he wants to talk, he'll expand on it. Send. Damn! Should I have signed off on it? Oh well, too late now.





Waiting.





Gasp! A reply. Oh, awkward. Interrupting a family gathering. Apologise and drop all conversation immediately. If he needs an escape route or actually wants to talk, he'll talk. OK. Send.



Waiting. Oh, please send back, tell me it's OK.



A reply. Oh, good, he doesn't mind. Go with the conversation he's offered. 5 parties in one weekend? That would kill me. All that travelling, and food, and drink. Best not mention that. Send.



Waiting. He's surrounded by family. Oh, shit, what if they don't know?



A reply. Well, it doesn't sound so bad when you put it like that. I could cope with that at a pinch. But I should still mention about the family asking questions, in case it's awkward for him. Just make it a passing comment. Hmmmmm..... Yes. Send.



Waiting. What if it was too subtle?



A reply. Hmmm... Not too subtle, just not obvious enough. Wait, that's only half the message. Did he hit send early or do I just need to wait for the phone to receive the other half? I'll just wait it out.



A message. You hit send too early. Proving a point he made with his own message. Whether it was intentional or not, I don't care, it was funny. But he still didn't comment on the family asking questions. Be more obvious. Just ask him directly. Send.



Waiting. Why am I so tense? Do I need him to tell them? Am I scared of what they'll think of me? Do I care? Maybe I just care what they'll think of him because of me. Maybe I'm worried he's embarrassed by me.



A reply. No questions asked. Apparently he hasn't told them either, but I can't know that for sure. I shouldn't assume it. But he's asking me. Simple enough answer. My brother doesn't mind, I'm lucky to have a brother like that. Send.



Waiting. Waiting a while. Maybe they have started to ask him now. Or maybe he's finished talking. Did I say something wrong? I hope I didn't pressure him into telling. And what if I did? What if they ask questions they don't like the answers to? What if they... Still waiting. This wait is driving me insane! Look back over it. Was there something that could be misconstrued or something to cause offence? Oh, how my heart is racing now. I swoon almost with fear.

Calm down! Pull yourself together! There will be a reason. There is sure to be a reason, for he is not an unreasonable man. Just have patience. Read a book, write a poem, draw a picture. Take your mind off it, distract yourself.

I can't do it! Every minute that pass I glance at the screen, waiting for it, willing it to change. That clock lapses and my confidence collapses. How long has it been? Long enough for a war to have been declared, fought and lost in my mind. He's given up on me, at least for tonight. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. And so now I shall retire to bed, to sleep if I can; If I can't, to rest. To count the beats of my heart until the next response form you, or 'til we meet again.

My head hasn't even hit the pillow. A reply! Distracted by dish washing. So simple an explanation. Always was the last to leave after helping everyone else. So kind-hearted. If only more people appreciated it. But he's leaving soon so, I guess, I should say goodnight. No, I don't want that yet. Hope he gets home safe. Send. No, I really should have said goodnight.

A reply. Oh, he's signed off. I guess I have to say goodnight now. At least, I know I'll sleep now.

A Laughable Truth

It's true. I am a terrible liar. And yet I had half the cast of the last production I was in convinced that one of the other actors was my brother for a portion of the time. So perhaps I am so unbelievable I am believable? No, I just bullshit too often.

So when someone thought I had given them a gift, but I knew nothing about it except that it was similar to another gift I had given to someone else, would they believe me when I say that it wasn't me? I'm not sure. But whoever gave it to him, he liked it, just putting it out there.

A reaction to the backstage happenings...

Have I ever felt as anxious as this? If I have, I have no recollection of it. It could not have been so important if I cannot recall it. No I have never been this anxious, this nervous and excited and terrified. I cannot speak, though not for lack of trying. The words simply won't form or, if they do, I cannot force them to move past my lips.

Oh, my lips. These lips have often whispered to you by the stage, bullied you on the stage and still I can say nothing of this to you. Instead, I go on as though the thought had never entered my mind, like the day we met, that fateful day that set us on this path.

I shall walk this path until I cannot walk any longer or there is no path left for me to to walk. The wheels have been set in motion and from here on they will only gain momentum until a speed to suit us is found.

Found you, I did, like a jewel; Mine own and yet not mine own. Glittering in the stage lights, that is where I found you. So beautifully perfect in your glorious finery. I stood in shadows to watch you. I will do so again tonight as you storm across the stage. I will stand by you when I cannot watch you and, when I can do neither, I will wait with you in my thoughts until such a time as I can.

And my thoughts do dwell on you now, every time my pen is lifted from the paper. My heart beats erratically when I think on your face. My stomach churns as I wonder what you will say next I see you. My head grows dizzy as my thoughts spin in circles and spiral out of my control. I could not sleep nor barely rest last night as I lay in bed, constantly fretting over what is to come.

No, I have never been so anxious as this.