Sunday, 13 December 2015

Judgement

Don't judge me based on the words and actions of people around me.
Judge me on my thoughts, my words, my actions. If you have PROPERLY examined me and still think I'm wrong, then maybe engage with me. Give me a chance to change your mind. If at the end of that we still don't agree, so be it.
There are things I know I have done that are not nice, or popular or even necessary. I live with those choices, some more easily than others. If you don't understand, ask me WHY. Some people will still scoff or scorn me. And I will not try to make them see the truth, because if they will not hear my answers then I will never be able to make them and my energy would be wasted.
Today, I was blocked on FB by someone I have never met or conversed with. They judged me based on what they could see of my profile and based on someone they knew was associated with me. They sent me an unnecessary message explaining as much. When I asked them to judge me on my own very real merits, they dragged in some things that had nothing to do with me and were not my actions and continued to judge me on them. I pulled them up on the appropriateness of those actions and they continued to attack me. Then they blocked me.
I'm glad. They have saved me a lot of trouble.
Let me be completely honest. There are exactly 9 entities that can see absolutely everything I put on FB, myself and the FB company included. Everything else is filtered. People I am not connected to directly on here can see even less.
There is often a lot more to people than what you can see on the surface. Ask questions. If people don't want you to know, they won't tell you. But ask instead of assuming.
If you want to know something about me, ask. My general rule of thumb is that I'm happy to answer questions, I'm not happy answering jerks. The way you ask a question is as important as the question itself.
I'm not sure where else I need this post to go, so I'm going to leave it there.
Be excellent to each other.
/endrant

Sunday, 27 July 2014

New found land

It's happening. I can feel it. Just like last time. No, not just like, kind of like. I know it's the same process, but it feel different. I feel different.

There's a thread loose here that's caught on something. Every step I take, this snag unravels my seam just a little bit at a time. I have to slow down before it comes completely free and I'm exposed.

I suppose I could try cutting the thread or removing it from what caught it, but my hands are filled with the sands from my hour glass. They slip through my fingers enough as it is, I'd have to let them go to fix it. But that sand has been so precious to me and I need it just a little longer.

The stench from the swamp filth that I walk knee-deep in slows me a bit, too. I guess, in a sense, I should count that as a blessing. I just have to be sure of my footing, else I fall over. There'd be no hope of me standing again if I did. It takes enough effort to move my feet, I can't imagine what it would take for me to pull myself out of this festering waste.

There's an itch at the back of my neck, like there are grass seeds caught in the fabric of my clothes. Those clothes that I wove and dyed the fabric for myself. No one helped me create my coverings. It's all my work. All of it. And I think they're beautiful. They make the crows stare, they're jealous. So are the vultures. They have a hunger in their eyes, wishing they could have what I have. And they should envy me. But that itch! I can't scratch it. It feels like the skin is burning wherever it scratches. A burning that travels deep, straight into my heart and feel anger rise in me. An anger that will only go away when the itch does.

It won't last much longer though. I know, I've traveled this way before. Last time, I didn't understand why I made the journey. The opportunity had presented itself and I didn't see why I shouldn't take it. I wish I hadn't. If I had just stayed where I was, I wouldn't be making the trek again. But I need to. I have so much to think about while I do. What I left behind, the strength I had, the strength I shared was so amazing I didn't know what it was. The warmth I was given that was suddenly gone as soon as my feet moved toward this road. The machinations of my mind ticked wildly and harmonically, churning out notes and words and notions at dizzying speeds. They were powered by another intensity that I didn't recognize.  The moment I started to walk along this path that first time I lost all of it. For what? What have I gained? What made this worth it?

I don't know if there is anything worth losing all that.

But now I walk here again. Not much further to go. Just a little bit.

And there it is.

Last time, I was awash with joy and hope and anticipation. All my own, but I forgot why I felt these things. I was washed clean. Given a new start.

Now, I am drenched by the tears I have bottled up. All the tears that never saw the day. Every droplet that begged to be let free. Every drizzle of pained heart, of furnaced rage, of drawn out sorrow, cascading down on me. Those seeds are set loose from the fabric they caught themselves in and the cold soothes me. The refuse I trudged through drains away, puddles rippling around cleanse me of the last of the muck, even the souls of my feet. As the streams form down my face, the illusion everyone saw streaks away from my eyes. The sands cannot be held, they pour from my hands and I know that this journey is over. The waves break over me and I am stripped of covers.

I have returned again to this place, clean and dry now, but it is not the same as I remember it. It is empty and unkind, barren of life. In my hand I have only a few seeds. I will tend them, same as last time, but when I get to the stage of weaving my own threads again, I get to reconsider how I do it. Maybe one day I will bring back the life that once was held here. I doubt it, but hold hope still. Until then, I toil.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Give it unconditionally...

Give me hope. Hope is what I need. I have been without it now for far too long. I need you to give it to me so I can continue to pretend everything will create a happy ending for me. I need it so I can ignore all the problems for just a little while longer. Give it to me.
Give me love. Love is what I need from you. I have never felt love before. I am hungry for it. If you can give me love, how could I want more than that? I would be full of rainbows and sunshine if you could just give me love. Love makes everything wonderful. Give it to me.
Give me trust. Trust is needed here. I can do anything if you trust me. I will do anything if you trust me. Trust gives us freedom to fly, to sing, to dance, to drink the glorious night. Trust is in the heart and soul, and to see the soul you must look into my eyes. To feel my soul you must share your soul with me. And surely if you can see and feel my soul, you can see I trust you. You would know if my eyes and lips were lying. So you can give your trust to me, can't you? Give it to me.
Give me time. You've given me so much so far, I need time now to process all of this. You gave me hope, which makes me beautiful. You gave me love, so I can give it again. You gave me trust, which means there are no lies told. This sounds too good to be true. I need a little time. Give it to me.
Give me space. If you're giving me time, give me some space as well. We'll see how much you trust me after I've been given some space. With enough space between us, you run the risk of letting someone come between us. But you've given me your trust and you love me, don't you? So it shouldn't be a worry for you. Would I really do that after you've given me so much? No, so some space is nothing. Give it to me.
Give me your word. I need your word that you're not just fooling around. I'll take your word if you give it to me. After all, you really can be trusted. Is all this really mine? I can really keep it? All of it? This is just too good to be true. It's perfect! I want your word on this though. give me your word and I'm all yours. Just give it to me.
I hope everything happens just like I planned. I love this part, the bit where I go out without you. Because you trust me, don't you? If I put enough distance between us, I know I'm going to have the time of my life with them. The space between me and them grows smaller and smaller as the time goes by. I love the thrill of the dance that they're leading me in. I just Hope they don't take too long, because I've got to get home before morning. Not that you'll say anything about it. I've got your word, haven't I?

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

I'm tired

Dreams. Most people have them. Some are good, some bad, sometimes it depends on your perception of them. Sometimes they wake you and your heart is racing, your brow burning and you seem paralysed. This was once attributed to demons, but Modern Science just shrugs that off, but I know that my demons keep me awake some nights. I find myself paralysed, sometimes by fear, sometimes by awe, sometimes I can't feel what it is that paralyses me. But it does. Explain that to me, Modern Science.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Time does not wait... Which can be a blessing and a curse...

Having returned from a trip interstate, I have decided I hate how consistent Time is. Time doesn't care what's going on in you life, it just keeps ticking by so repetitively. I get up during the day, go to bed in the evening. Repeat. Winter moves into Spring, into Summer, into Autumn, back into Winter. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, repeat. I hated having no power to stop Time and just enjoy what was going on around me, and I hated not being able to skip through the parts that just dragged on and on. But I have had a brain-wave. Why do we need to be confined to the tick tick ticking of that stupid clock. Let's sleep when we need to sleep, eat when we need to eat, the weather here is so volatile now, the seasons all blur together. Let's be honest with each other and let our friends know how it is we feel. In this age of technology, we can do that. Let's live with our minds and our hearts in sync. Let's take the batteries out of our clocks.