Deepest Regret

I have made many mistakes in my past. It is only now that I see how they have slowed me, and worn me down.

I failed to reflect on my own shortcomings.
I failed to look for ways to grow.
I failed to express my profound admiration.
I failed to give my love.
I failed to appreciate goodness.
I failed to recognise thoughtfulness.

I failed you.

And now, I miss you.

I miss the way you knew me, and you knew yourself.
I miss the broadness of your mind.
I miss the feel of your fingers between mine.
I miss the comfort of having you walk with me.
I miss that you knew how to make me laugh.
I miss the way you would smile in response.

I miss you.

I know how long it's been.
I know there is no trust left.
I know how I hurt you.
I know there's nothing I can say.
There's nothing I can do.
Nothing.

But I miss you.

You've moved on.
You've possibly found contentment.
You've doubtless found the love of your life.
You've presumably found your home.
You've likely never looked back.
You probably don't remember me now.

And when I think about all the things you no doubt have in your life now, the selfish part of me screams in agony that I am not one of them.
I think about how many chances I wasted to be a part of your future.
I think about how many things I didn't get to see you do.
I think about how you never needed me, but you wanted me around anyway, and how I threw it away because I was too insecure and immature to handle it.
I think about all the things that could have been.
I weep, because I miss you.

Sometimes, I manage to focus on my reality long enough that the ache eases for a little while.
Sometimes, it's only a few days.
Sometimes, its a week.
Sometimes, I'll forget where my towel is and the memory is back.
Sometimes, I can't help but remember the chink in the wall by which I first kissed your hand.
Sometimes, you walk in my dreams and I cannot fight you.

Because, Gods damn it, I fucking miss you.

And I know, you will never see this.
You will never remember these things.
You will not mourn my absence.
You will not weep as I do.
You are better off now.

You do not miss me.