Monday, 21 March 2011

The machinations of my idle brain...

Should I? Maybe. He didn't say not to. Then again, he didn't say he wanted me to. Oh, but I want to. Maybe I shouldn't...

Something small won't hurt, will it? Short & simple so he can ignore it or brush it off easily. How to start? Hello? Too formal. Greetings? Too cheesy. Hi? Too yuppie. So, a nice casual Hey is in order. Then a How are you? Non-discript, harmless, gives me an idea of what the waters are like. Oh, and ask him about his weekend. If he wants to talk, he'll expand on it. Send. Damn! Should I have signed off on it? Oh well, too late now.


Gasp! A reply. Oh, awkward. Interrupting a family gathering. Apologise and drop all conversation immediately. If he needs an escape route or actually wants to talk, he'll talk. OK. Send.

Waiting. Oh, please send back, tell me it's OK.

A reply. Oh, good, he doesn't mind. Go with the conversation he's offered. 5 parties in one weekend? That would kill me. All that travelling, and food, and drink. Best not mention that. Send.

Waiting. He's surrounded by family. Oh, shit, what if they don't know?

A reply. Well, it doesn't sound so bad when you put it like that. I could cope with that at a pinch. But I should still mention about the family asking questions, in case it's awkward for him. Just make it a passing comment. Hmmmmm..... Yes. Send.

Waiting. What if it was too subtle?

A reply. Hmmm... Not too subtle, just not obvious enough. Wait, that's only half the message. Did he hit send early or do I just need to wait for the phone to receive the other half? I'll just wait it out.

A message. You, hit send too early. Proving a point he made with his own message. Whether it was intentional or not, I don't care, it was funny. But he still didn't comment on the family asking questions. Be more obvious. Just ask him directly. Send.

Waiting. Why am I so tense? Do I need him to tell them? Am I scared of what they'll think of me? Do I care? Maybe I just care what they'll think of him because of me. Maybe I'm worried he's embarrassed by me.

A reply. No questions asked. Apparently he hasn't told them either, but I can't know that for sure. I shouldn't assume it. But he's asking me. Simple enough answer. My brother doesn't mind, I'm lucky to have a brother like that. Send.

Waiting. Waiting a while. Maybe they have started to ask him now. Or maybe he's finished talking. Did I say something wrong? I hope I didn't pressure him into telling. And what if I did? What if they ask questions they don't like the answers to? What if they... Still waiting. This wait is driving me insane! Look back over it. Was there something that could be misconstrued or something to cause offence? Oh, how my heart is racing now. I swoon almost with fear.

Calm down! Pull yourself together! There will be a reason. There is sure to be a reason, for he is not an unreasonable man. Just have patience. Read a book, write a poem, draw a picture. Take your mind off it, distract yourself.

I can't do it! Every minute that pass I glance at the screen, waiting for it, willing it to change. That clock lapses and my confidence collapses. How long has it been? Long enough for a war to have been declared, fought and lost in my mind. He's given up on me, at least for tonight. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. And so now I shall retire to bed, to sleep if I can; If I can't, to rest. To count the beats of my heart until the next response form you, or 'til we meet again.

My head hasn't even hit the pillow. A reply! Distracted by dish washing. So simple an explanation. Always was the last to leave after helping everyone else. So kind-hearted. If only more people appreciated it. But he's leaving soon so, I guess, I should say goodnight. No, I don't want that yet. Hope he gets home safe. Send. No, I really should have said goodnight.

A reply. Oh, he's signed off. I guess I have to say goodnight now. At least, I know I'll sleep now.

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